Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You ruined the universe
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
