Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
