If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
