My hand turned me down
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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