I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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