i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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