You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
