Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
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When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
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She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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