your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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