Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She told me I should be a condom model.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
