the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
