I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
