I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
