umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
