If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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