In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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