I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
