so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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