Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
