pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
