Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I supernannyed him into submission
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
