So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
