I think I died a long time ago.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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