And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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