Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
