"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
