so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
