Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
