Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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