She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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