Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
