Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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