Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
