it hurts more in the daytime
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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