my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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