i barfeds in our rink
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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