I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If I die, sorry about rent.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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