phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
