I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
