omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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