So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
