I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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