so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
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I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
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You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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