just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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