Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
