i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I did not marry a roomba.
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