There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Randomize
