I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
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It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
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I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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