How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Im part way to drunk.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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