Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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