I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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