I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
