If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
