She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
