I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
