I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he was CRYING into my vagina
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
