The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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