Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Vodka?
Forever.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
