You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
