when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
