i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
